The end

"Its so hot they shut the windows and door to keep the cool in" my mum had warned me, but i didnt believe it until i peeled myself off my chair in the 44 degree heat today. Luckily i passed on my solo trip to Toledo an amazingly pretty but heat trapped city, in favour of a 3 euro pool entre. sitting at the base was like sitting in an oven and packing three backpacks worth of stuff into one was a tough task, even for someone as stubborn as me. We watched as people left one by one, the emotional ones were crying on and off all day, and other walking round contemplating their stone heart and wondering what was wrong with them not blubbing at the sight of another backpack being taken out the door.

But soon enough it was me - thank goodness, i was so excited to be going home, it had been such a crazy emotional week. I had eventually spoken to my dad his flight had been delayed until late unto the night, maybe one day i would see him again, maybe not. Still I had memories of our dinners i would always treasure.

As we got to the airport i had told the girls i didnt want long tearful goodbyes, just jokes a slap on the arse and see you later please...lots of laughing and a quick parting, i hated goodbyes and so it was a quick and cheerful goodbye and that was that, i was in the airport by myself. For the next 5 hours i lived out 'The Terminal' film as my flight was delayed adding to my already long wait. But eventually i rolled through the gate to see debs little face waving in the crowd.

A glass of champagne at home with mum, and round to the girls for fajitas and champers before falling into my bed...my bed, in my house!

Mi Padre

It had been three months, part of me didnt believe that he was that guy, his words were so warm his face so full of love, it wasnt that he wasnt genuine it was that he had made decisions in his life which as a result trapped him into one course of action, out of which, the only other choice would wreck everything in his life. I was a fleeting presence and role for which there was no contest, once i got on that plane he would be left with whatever life was before i showed up, it simply wasnt worth the trade off.

I wondered whether i was completely stupid for coming out here, everyone said i was so brave, did they mean they wouldnt be so stupid? would no-one else take the risk of getting this kind of hurt, why would they. I looked back in my life... i had traced him when i was a teenageer, i had come out here, i was the one calling. was i brave or just dumb? But this time, tonight i cried out to God to be here in this, knowing God, doesnt take away the hurt of things, being in relationship with God doesnt mean life is always sweet and easy, it means that you turn to God when there not. You can call on God - the God of the universe to speak to, to comfort you, to walk with whether things are amazing or utterly crap.

I had learned in the last 6 months to seperate things going wrong, with my relationship with God, in the past everytime something got you mad or hurt, i cut my relationship with God, like someone giving you a hug when your about to cry i would push him away by simply cut off, i think most people do this, but now i had learnt to let God be the one to colapse on not the one to cut out as a way of ignoring the pain.

A year ago i would have left the room if someone had preached on the father heart of God i and when i knew enough people in church that it had become an obsticle course of people who cared and would leave to come check you were ok i would simply sit a glaze over. But here i had learned how to face dissapointment, acknowledge it and cry out to God, to break your heart before him, to see him as a father. not to harden your heart when you herd that, because of your own experiences of a father but realise that he was the ultimate father, the precident that the perfect father role was based on.


In my mums words I had to enjoy the times i had had together with my dad, accept him for the man he was and show him kindness, he didnt mean to hurt me, it was simply a result of bad desicions. Goyo had said as we graduated the only piece of advice he had was make good decisions, always choose jesus. So maybe it was better this way that tonight i wouldnt see him, as much as i wanted closure how tormentedly difficult would dinner across from him have been, listening to more promises that wouldnt be, sitting there giving God the bitterness and hoping that he would give me the words to tell this man about jesus? to show him kindness and just enjoy his company, i would never know which way would have been harder, but i had a feeling watching the hours slip away or going out with the girls would never come close.

Soon i would be home, among friends and on the road to building hopefully some of the visions in my head, to get trained in areas i wanted to know and gain skills. To work with people and maybe design, to somehow glorify God in life, help people in whatever area of the world i was.



Why did i write on this? such a personal subject, so full of emotions for the world to read? because i want to give glory to god, right now tonight i want to say he is awesome when things are amazing and he is awesome when things are not.

Does what it says on the tin.

As i peeled my sweaty body off the train seat and stepped onto the station the sign read 38 degrees, it was half five at night and i was stepping onto Atotcha station central Madrid.

M.O.L.A. seemed a lifetime ago and this week had been the most emotional off them all, de-brief and re-entry, saying goodbye to people, and praying for one another in the hot seat as we had done all those months before, i can still remember that first day....four hours sleep, bundled myself and my stuff on the morning train, wandering round this very station until a Spanish girl and her Swedish friend approached me asking if i was v-keey marrrrrr and looking bewildered when i had dumped my stuff and ran off to use the long que stinking public train station toilets. Those same women had been my mentor, Spanish tutor and both friends who i would stay in touch with for hopefully years to come.

I walked down from Atotcha and met Hannah in the Jazz bar in Huertas, our fav spot, as i quietly died of heat exhaustion over a cold glass of water Hannah approached with what i could only presume to be a Californian or at least American.

The girl turned out to be Megan a 25 year old from California, she'd been living for a month in salmanaca a near by university town and was flying out the next day, the girls had rescued her from some sleazy guys in Retiro park. We moved onto a local bar a hybrid of Irish meet Spanish with an Afro Caribbean twist, we drank a jug of sangria and started to get feel for Megan, she was direct, which i liked, and her humor had a spiky sarcastic twist. There was personality there and we chatted about various things from meeting real parents to wild bore on the menu and the Spanish's love of all things seafood and tuna on everything.
We headed towards Sol through Santa Anna plaza. We found a Hawaii bar on the corner and for 18 euros filled the table with about 5 kinds of tapas and a volcano cocktail with 3 metre long straws the staff gave us a plastic lei, cocktail umbrella and carnation each. At the end of the night Hannah and i said goodbye to Megan and strolled for the last time down Huertas's gorgeous streets.

This morning however had a different feel to it, with a cup of coffee down me i sat and tried to compose a video for the staff, a collection of every ones photos onto DVD, research my next trip and take my copy of photos from Hannah's collection, Graduation started at 6 and at 5.30 i was still in front of a computer..actually i was in front of two armed with my mates Spanish brother to help and only a language barrier and fight against time to contend with. Running across our floor with arms full of clothes and make-up while things downloaded, uploaded and saved i tore my hair out that i spent two days doing stuff and yet had seemingly accomplished nothing, i hadnt a clue what i would stand up and say when presented with my diploma, I hadnt eaten lunch never mind shaved my legs!

Yet this evening i graduated, complete with make-up and might i add - in a dress! and not a black one! i gave a perfect speech if i do say so myself and tonight after the slap-up meal we came back and blessed the staff, washed their feet, prayed for them and played them a complete video of their last 6 month highlights!

It was really the end, and i really had made it...i stayed! and was actually under the 2007 graduation banner! i had faced my past, met my natural father, been out to lepper colonies, worked with children, prayed in crowds of people, eaten whale..(that one was tonight) and generally learned who I am, what a relationship with God can really be when your baggage starts to be removed and was going home with vision for the future on what I wanted life to be.
Its not that i lacked personality, drive or vision before, its just that there was a new sense of life being about even more, a stronger desire for God to be the focus of life and hopefully finally my identity would be in him and not my ability as a designer, not whether i was in shape or not, i wasn't scared for people to see me for who i really was, because i was turning to God for stuff.
YWAM DTS's do what they say on the tin...knowing God and making him known.

The end of MOLA

The penultimate day was a free day, but better than that Tania and Guillihermo got baptised at the beach. It was amazing and if i hadn't already been baptized i would have stepped down into the water myself! Tania looked gorgeous in a white summer dress as with a whoop she declared Jesus Christ lord of her life and was officially ´dunked´. I got the whole thing on video including an emotional clip of her hugging her friends and a message home, it had been a huge decision to do this without her family there, but after the last 6 months she didn't want to wait any longer.

Guillihermo went next, a crazy man of God from the jungle in Brazil he reminded me of a modern day John the baptist with his crazy big beard and wild curly locks, his heart for God was massive, this guy lived to tell the gospel to people. He came out of the water and sprayed everyone (cameras included) with an ecstatic splash of water.

After a couple of hours we head to a top Chinese restaurant for a slap up meal a thank you from the leaders for all our hard work, flexibility and sacrifices of giving up beds, and at times showers! M.O.L.A. was amazing it had been the best part of the DTS varied, challenging, beach life - evangelism.

The last night i stepped down onto the beach while the Chilean team did circus stuff juggles, man on stilts etc it was the perfect time of day the Spaniards were leaving the Beach to get dinner, the sun was setting and i nearly had the Waves to myself. My thoughts were directed to the next bit of life, in the last month i had been thinking alot about life and the feeling was no More talking about what you´ll do when you grow up, it was time to do, so what were my biggest visions, dreams and passions? because whatever they were it was time to do them.

last locations

Torrent had been good, the evening programmes had consisted of two locations firstly a green walkway inbetween two lanes of the main ave, performing dances dramas and testimonies and handing out some tracts. The second location a big square with a small stage and lights, as i stepped up to dance montaña one of the spainish dances my heart missed abeat as i was on a stage dancing on the front row.

But the nights were a success on the last night about 8 people gave their lives to christ and the sunday night servcie was packed, we danced, worshipped like crazy and i gave my testimony, i wondered what what the point once again i was giving it to a christian congregation but after the guys preach another 5 people came downt eh front and gave their lives to christ.

It was wierd people here read the tracts (they were cartoon ones with the message of christs death at the end, a scripture and details of the local church we were working with in each place) that was the cool thing, we were linking people to their local church rather than breezing in and out and leaving people to be christians on their own, having given their life to christ and nothing more after.

Returning to our families villa each night was pretty nice too although i found their spanish difficult to understand, still it was nice to experience a spainsh house for a couple of days, drinking your cereal IN your coffee and cake for breakfast! but the luxuary of a bed, clean washing and a pool couldnt last forever and Porto Sagunto was a shock to the system, the first night on the floor and no shower slot, i walked a mile each way to wash in the sea! still the beach was amazing, the programme location was great and i now had a matress to sleep on.

Torrennt

Contrary to popular belief the new town had more life than the last and was great, we were split into pairs or threes for host families and we drew the lucky card, our family had a villa in the hils complete with swimming pool and our own bathroom, bathrobes, and when we had replied we liked museli in the morning they had bought 4 kinds along with half a pastry shop!

It was the first time in nearly 6 months i wasnt sleeping in a bunk bed on the floor or a lilo, we had hot water and a flipping pool! I couldnt believe it, i felt like a queen. After india we had been delayed and put in a 5 star hotel, the other night a family had hosted all 37 of us to dinner in the hills and waited on us hand and foot and now this!

The new church was so organised, despite being only a church of 200 they fed 1000 people a month, worked with youth, rehab for adicts, immigrants, hosted christmas dinner for epople who couldnt do their own, sports for under priviladged kids and to top it all their guy running it all was gorgeous....can i live here please!?

The first night out their team was as big as ours and we hosted a short programme in one of the main avenues, quick dances, dramas and a testimony of how someone came to know jesus, flyering and talking to people before moving to one of the squares where we had a stage as well as our sound system although the numbers werent many in the second square this morning the pastor had already had a couple of people phoning him to find out more.

we went out this morning, armed with flyers and heading for a cafine hit before proceeding out to speak to people, it suited us, you could approach people how you felt comfortable, the town was nice and active and it was sunny! whats more three of us would be in the pool for the siesta ;)

To tiny towns.....together.

The last night had been amazing, the sound had gone well, the dances were incredible we pulled off a new and fast one without messing up. we stayed in the square until late singing dancing and enjoying ourselves til long after people had gone home.

That was a week ago, the Puerto Rican team had left and we had been to a couple of other places, 7/7/7 had taken place a day of prayer for spain, finished with a massive outreach night on the beach, we had breakdancers start freestyling to one of our rappers, and every type of dance, spanish coutry hip-hop, and some worship you name it, half of valencias churches came out flyering too, everyone on the beach one, I even went round to the local new age market, handing flyers out to palm readers and voodoo doll sellers.

This week we were told we would be split for a week with half going to a tiny town with no church and likely no internet, the girls were destraught at being split so close to the end, so strings were pulled and the staff split. Tomorrow we´d be cleaning down the entire church building and moving out of the industrial estate to the the tiny and what sounded like lifeless town on wedensday, staying in host families the outreach would have an entirely different feel, (for starters we´d be sleeping in arooms and beds not lilos on floors!) everything felt different now, the group felt closer than ever, after saying goodbye to the Puerto Rican team our thoughts had turned to the real goodbyes in 3 weeks, whats more i had just booked a cheap flight home.